I’ve spent a lot time recently reflecting on certain things in my life, both current and past. Its been painful at times, but I’ve come to finally realize just how much of me is truly broken. There are pieces that will never be fixed and I must learn how to be at peace with that. I say this with no bitterness or resentment but instead with a peace that comes from true acceptance.
I’ve been on this journey a really long time – a journey of recovery, of healing, of self-awareness, and of learning how to live in the present, instead of being stuck in the past or afraid of the future. The demons I’ve had to confront have not been pleasant, however I gave myself permission to explore those dark pieces rather than push them aside. Perhaps I’m just at a time in life when hiding is no longer an option, and where the thought of running away from those dark clouds is scarier than staying to confront them.
The things that happened to me in the past weren’t okay. I did nothing to deserve them and those that perpetuated violence and abuse towards me have to own their actions because I will not. Have I made bad decisions and are there mistakes I must atone for? Absolutely. Every day I strive to be better than the person I was the day before. I reflect, I analyze, I debrief with others if needed, and then I push forward with all the strength I have in me. It’s not a perfect process by any means. There have been epic fails along the way, I fall down way more than I would like, and there are walls I can’t seem to climb over no matter how hard I try.
I look around me and see the broken pieces which lay scattered about. I know if I try to reach down for them I may get cut; I also can’t seem to grab the broom to sweep them up and toss them out to the trash forever. Parts of those broken pieces still hold some beauty for me……I long to find a way to put them back together somehow. And there lies the current struggle I find myself in – coming to terms with the fact that no matter how hard I try, and even if some of the glue works to hold a few pieces together, certain things can never be repaired. Can I learn to be okay with that? Am I going to be able to sweep those pieces up eventually? Right now, I cannot say yes with any certainty, but I can make the choice to keep going; keep fighting; keep working hard. I have come far in my journey and have so much further to still go. The broken pieces may slow me down a little at times, but they will not stop me from staying on the path that I have chosen; one of healing and hope.