Some days I struggle really hard – with worry, anger, frustration, fear, and uncertainty. It’s not the regular kind I am speaking of that comes with the common every day struggles in life. It’s the type where my brain shuts down and everything crumbles around me. Last night was one of those nights. This intense wave of emotion came over me and I was bowled over crying my eyes out. My mind went to every fear I had, and I felt sick with a type of grief that comes for a future I wanted but don’t believe will ever happen. Those lack of hope moments are a sign for me that things are not going well and I must search for something to hold on to.
I keep using the tools in my toolbox, however they aren’t being as affective as they can be. When that happens, I know I must be ever more mindful and work even harder to keep the demons at bay. As I sat there last night with tears running down my face, my phone went off with text messages, one after another. The first was from my niece and the next from my oldest nephew. I don’t know when or why it started, but for some time now they have sending a goodnight and ‘I love you’ message each night. As I looked at those messages and did my nightly reply back, I found a smile creeping on to my face and the tears ceasing. I have a niece and three nephews who are the loves of my life and many times the only reason I keep on going. But it wasn’t until this sad night that I realized something so very important…..THIS was what I could hold on to!!
Every 24 hours, when those messages pop up, I have a chance for a reset; a chance to remember that I am truly loved; a chance to stop and breathe my way back to the positive in life. It’s funny how something so simple can be so profound. They will likely never know how much those moments mean to me or how important that little nightly pause from the world is to my mental wellbeing. Even when my brain is doing well, I still find myself feeling unlovable, unimportant, and like a loser who brings no meaning to the world. I know trauma is the cause of this and that no matter how hard I work to silence those voices, they will likely always be there in some form. This is my reality, however I always search for things to hold on to that remind me to never give up.
I hope one day my niece and oldest nephew read this. I hope they know now much their Aunty loves them. And I hope they can appreciate that although I have demons and am far from perfect, I’ve always tried to love them in the best way I could. For now, I will continue to look forward to that moment, every 24 hours, when a simple goodnight message gives me an anchor with which to keep going.