I think I’ve said this before, but my mind works a little differently than most from what I can tell. I always felt different and strange and saw it as a character flaw. Some people told me to my face I was off my rocker and should do things differently. And for a long time, I believed them.
It used to make me so angry when after a family dinner everyone would rush to get the dishes done then rush to get coffee on then rush to get desert on and so on and so forth. I wanted to sit and talk. I wanted to enjoy the time with family. I wanted to be in the moment and share a laugh or two. My dad would rush out to weed the garden sometimes when I went out to visit. If I wanted to spend time with him, I had to go outside and join him. Was I weird to wonder why it was so important to get things done instead of enjoying some company?
Everyone around me told me I was lazy or “trying to get out of work” but that’s not the case. I dance to a different drummer, so this has caused conflict at times which is natural in this context. It comes down to how I prioritize. To me, enjoying the moment is way more important than anything else. I would rather take a walk and bask in the sunshine than run around sweeping floors. In total honesty I will tell you I am a terrible housekeeper and do need to do better at that piece. And having had issues with hoarding this is always something I need to be mindful of work hard on. Things do get done, but they get done at my pace, which is problematic for some people.
I talked to my therapist about this and she made me realize something really important (this gal is amazing!). She said that this type of thinking is what many people strive for and she sees clients all the time who are working on finding ways to slow down and be more mindful. She called it a gift and my whole body started shaking. What a wow moment! The battle I have always had is between who I am and what I was programmed to be. What a joy to be told that what I thought was a flaw was actually a gift. I have defied that which was programmed into me and I have no guilt about it. I still have clutter and mess, but I’ll work on it and have done really well in the past purging things. I push myself when I need to but if it’s a choice between staying home and doing dishes or going to spend quality time with friends or family, you can likely guess what my choice is going to be.
I’ve always said that there are gifts within my mental illness, however this was one I wasn’t expecting to see that way. Do I get lazy at times? Sure. Are there times I should prioritize certain things but I don’t? Oh yes. There are some who might say I live with my head in the clouds and they would be right. I’m okay with this because guess what? Clouds are beautiful! It no longer matters to me if people see certain things I do as a character flaw. Sure, I may not like their opinion, but its how I feel that is most important that really matters in the end. I’m happy to have that gift, no matter if others see it differently. Embracing who I am and what is most important is up to me and I celebrate it!