It never ceases to amaze me how much the body and the unconscious mind recalls. A short time ago, I all of a sudden began to not sleep at night – my anxiety was high and my mind wouldn’t stop racing. My frustration was noticeable and my concern huge. What was going on? Flash forward to me talking to my counsellor and being reminded that this was about the one-year anniversary of me ending an abusive relationship.
I’m the first person to have doubts about things like this. I mean, how can my body actually recall stuff that I consciously don’t?? So, to prove myself right on this one, I looked up the date of when I sent the message to tehe man I had loved and been abused by for six years. Sure enough, and to my stunned eyes, there it was……the exact date of that text was the exact date my sleeplessness and anxiety had started. Holy shit! Sorry for the language but honestly that is all that’s been going through my head since that moment. My body and my unconscious mind knew that anniversary and it reacted in the same way I was reacting one year ago.
Never in my life had I ever ended a relationship before this. I would always hang on until the bitter end because I was scared to be alone. As pitiful as that sounds it’s one of my core fears and I am continuously working on how to re-frame that piece of me. I recall being devastated by what I had done and even as I sent the message that ended it all, I wasn’t sure it was the right thing. Could I do any better than this man? What if this was my last shot at some kind of relationship? Will I ever be able to forgive myself for letting this man do what he did to me? All of that and more was racing through my brain while at the same time my heart was breaking in to a million pieces. It took a few months but eventually I began to feel some pride in my decision and the fact that I had, for once, taken my power back instead of letting it get sapped down to nothing.
And all this my body remembers one year later. My counsellor says one of the tricks to overcoming this is to fill the same time frame with positive memories in order to replace the bad ones. Due to COVID it’s not like I can travel or take a vacation somewhere but there are things I can do to help change this. I’ve been working out a lot at the gym, going hiking, and spending time with people I care about. There are some other unhappy anniversaries coming up soon that I can now plan for and try my best to replace with happy times. I have to….because even if I don’t recall them or I try to put it out of my mind, the body will remember.