Tired

Some days I just get so tired. Not the kind of tired that sleep will fix, but the type where your soul is weary and it feels like there is a ten-ton weight on your back. The kind where the world feels really lonely and full of nothing but bleak and dreary skies.

I am tired…..

Of reaching out and having no one there

Of giving so much but feeling like it doesn’t matter

Of longing for connection

Of never having a safe place to fall

Of knowing what gifts I’ve been given yet still unable to feel whole

Of nights where the bad memories keep me awake

Of the aching loneliness I fear will never go away

This may all sound like the words of a bad country song or a “feel sorry for myself” moment and perhaps there is some truth in that. But this is the tired that illness brings. This is the truth that happens many days of my life. It is not every day and for that I am grateful.

Some have made fun of me always being tired or acted like it was a kind of character flaw (I really can fall asleep any time of day or night if my brain allows it). To them I say this…..wouldn’t you be tired if your brain was constantly battling demons? Would you be all peppy and perky if the core of your being was constantly telling you what a piece of crap you are? The fight to silence those voices is one I am willing to take on because I know that life has beautiful moments I want to experience. But some days…..I am just too tired to do anything but curl up and sleep so I can get a little bit of peace.

Those moments when I close my eyes, my mind is quiet, and I can breathe deeply and drift off in peace are rare. Full night’s sleeps are rare. Cat naps are often what gets me through the day. However, the truth is no amount of sleep will ever take away the type of tired that I feel. Maybe nothing can.