Sometimes I feel like I miss you, but the truth is I miss the person I was before you. I miss the girl who thought her prince had come. I miss the woman who felt strong and brave and confident. I miss the person who finally felt she was truly cared about. I miss having the dream that I could find a man who would love me and treat me in the way I always wanted. I miss the me that was.
No one deserves to be abused in any way and I won’t own your bullshit any longer. What I will own is the part I played in ignoring those initial red flags until it was too late and I was too far in to see straight. I own that I ignored my gut instinct to run away in favor of wanting so desperately to be cared about by anyone. Yes, there are two sides to every story, however when it comes to abuse there are no excuses. You chose to do what you did. You chose to manipulate every emotion I had and keep me down and controlled and living in fear. No, you didn’t physically beat me, but in a strange way I wish you had. Then I could have actually seen the bruises you left. Instead you threatened my safety, created chaos, and pushed me so far down in the dirt I thought I would never get up again.
But I have risen. I was your victim; I am no longer. Despite the fact you ultimately got what you deserved, I take no pleasure in your pain. You weren’t the first man to abuse me, but you will be the very last. Even if it means I ultimately end up alone, I will never again allow anyone else to do what you did to me. Finally, I have seen the pattern and I am breaking it. There are bittersweet lessons I have learned because of all you put me through. I learned that I am strong and brave and resilient. I’ve learned that there are people who love me and will always be there for me, no matter what choices I make. And, to my own surprise, I have also learned that there are really wonderful men in this world who would never do what you chose to.
I’ve asked myself countless times, ‘did he ever truly care about me?”. Maybe you did, but it doesn’t really matter anymore. Whatever happened in your life to make you this way I will never know, and I feel true empathy for the path you have chosen. I can feel this way because despite the abuse you perpetrated, I remain a person who is kind, empathetic, and loving. I have every reason to be bitter and angry but that would mean you have won; that you still own a space in my head. I am working hard towards a place of forgiveness and getting closer to it each and every day. Some may say that you don’t deserve my forgiveness but I’m not doing this for you; I’m doing this for me. At the end of the day, despite your best efforts to beat me down, I win.