Brace yourself. This is another raw one as I continue to peel back the layers of the trauma onion that is part of my life. It took a ten hour drive and a long walk with the dog to come to this realization and I’m not going to lie…..I’m ready to burst in to tears right now. But I truly believe self-awareness is a key part of recovery and with that process comes ripping open some wounds you would rather leave festering. Unfortunately, that does not promote healing and my heart tells me we must always strive for that goal.
So, what the heck am I talking about? I’m speaking of failure, or rather the epiphany I’ve had that there is a huge part of me which would rather live life in failure than aim for certain wins I’m terrified will never happen. Writing this makes me feel sick to my stomach. I really don’t want to admit it but, ultimately, failure in some areas of my life is just easier. For many years I’ve strived for excellence; my work, volunteering, advocacy, being a good Aunty, helping others, and taking care of my fur babies. In many aspects I’ve excelled beyond my wildest dreams and am in a place where I can actually be proud of myself. I relish in those things and have worked really hard to be a peer supporter and mentor to others who are seeking the same successes. It feels good and I gain a lot of strength and motivation from it all.
There are two parts of my life where that feeling just hasn’t happened; relationships with men and taking care of myself physically. I’ve had the “yo yo” thing going on in these two realms for as long as I can remember. I start with having a bit of success, feel really good, and then life comes crashing down. It’s really not uncommon for those who deal with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and I continue to work through it, both in therapy and by exploring healing techniques to not just cover those wounds but trying to close them little by little. I’ve come a really long way in so many areas but in these two things I have always found “hope” to be a nasty four-letter word. Why try to find someone to love when it’s just going to fail anyway? Why work on my physicality if I’m just going to end up still looking ugly? I’m not proud of this thinking and the sad part is, I know I can achieve things here. I’ve done it many times before. But intense fear of failure has kept me locked up within myself and choosing to keep my focus on those areas where I can stay distracted from the painful reality that brims beneath the surface.
Some may call me lazy; others may think I’m seeking out excuses. Honestly, I could really care less what anyone thinks. This is just me. This is my reality and it hurts a lot. What I can promise you though is this one thing; I will NEVER give up! I may never achieve what I want in life in certain things and I’ve come to a place of acceptance with that, but now that I really and truly recognize this fear of failure, I will explore it. I will dig deep in to it, allow myself to feel it and I will walk my way through it, not around it. I’m not going to lie here. I feel really scared and incredibly lonely at the moment and most likely I will post this and go for a good cry. That’s okay and it is what it is. I have no shame admitting that this will be a new emotional roller coaster ride for me, but I have come too far and worked too hard to end the journey now. And maybe, one day, HOPE will be something that makes me smile.