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The Sleepless Night

I should be sleeping. Instead I am sitting up late for the fourth night in a row with my mind and body in a state of anxiety that won’t allow me to rest. I’ve been using tools like meditation, soothing music, going to the gym, taking walks….all things that normally conk me out pretty good at night. So what the hell is going on?

I really have no idea and this isn’t uncommon. Sometimes anxiety will just roll in for reasons I don’t understand at all, or only figure out after its left. Its always a mystery and its frustrating beyond belief. Not just cause I know that I will be tired all day tomorrow, but because I have no idea when it will end. Sometimes its just a few days, other times it’s a few weeks. There’s usually nothing I like more than curling up in my soft blankets at the end of a productive day, turning my nighttime meditation music on, and drifting off to sleep. Sure, I may get up once during the night for a bathroom break but hey, I’m over 40…it happens. When anxiety hits and my brain won’t turn off to let me rest, no matter how hard I try, that’s often a recipe for disaster.

Self-awareness and good insights let me know that this is sometimes normal for me and is part of my illness. I try to not get too hard on myself as that creates more anxiety and, often a vicious cycle to erupt that makes these episodes last longer. I tell myself that I know it will pass. That I need to forgive myself for not being able to calm things down. That there are circumstances going on in my life right now that I have every reason to be concerned about. There are people I care about going through rough times and of which I am powerless to help. I have been feeling more lonely than usual. I worry about money and finances. A good sleep won’t take all these worries away and perhaps that’s part of the problem….knowing they are gonna be facing me again in the morning.

These are the times that remind me how I can never let my guard down; that around any corner one of my illnesses could jump out and bite me in the ass again. How hard it bites is dependent on a lot of factors, both internally and externally. Insight lets me know its happening; reflection lets me see what the reasons may be; and trusting in others to help gives me safe places to talk. I need proper sleep. I need routine. I need to have mechanisms in place to ensure I keep up with self-care.

I hope after I finish this I can sleep. Writing it out helps and perhaps getting things out of my head will decrease the anxiety swirling around in this brain of mine. Wish me luck.


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