I’ve been thinking a lot lately about this question; what happened to me? I had such hopes and dreams as a kid and wanted certain things that I was determined to pursue. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve been lucky in many areas of my life to be sure, however with time and age there is a realization that is quite painful to accept. What is that realization? I allowed others to change my focus and quell my passions so many times because my illness didn’t let me to believe I was worth the effort.
This isn’t being written in order to put blame on anyone; there is enough of that to go around both towards me and those who professed to love and care about me but acted in the opposite way. What I mourn is the time lost and how long it took me to find the inner strength to overcome that self-doubt. I still haven’t finished my university degree; I got derailed from a healthy lifestyle multiple times because of one mean comment; the self-loathing I projected into the world got me mixed up in really bad relationships. I could go on and on, but I think you get my drift.
There is true complexity with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is not one event you can pinpoint and work on resolving, instead there is ongoing hurt, trauma, behavior, and a lack of loving kindness which burns you to your core. Those wounds are deep and come from having to depend on the same people that hurt you, over and over. What’s most sad is that even though it comes from the issues of the perpetrator(s), we end up being the ones who feel unlovable, unworthy, broken, damaged, and hollow inside. Working through this type of trauma has not been easy. To this day, I still find myself struggling with trust, self-love, and compassion towards my adult and child self. I will always regret the time all of this pain stole from me, but what I won’t do is allow it to steal anymore.
This week I applied to go back to school and finish my degree in Political Science. I am creating plans for writing a book, expanding my advocacy work, and setting goals for one day starting my own business. Am I scared? Absolutely!! But that fear is coming from those old wounds who try and tell me I am stupid, useless, and not good enough. The fact I can stand here today and say that yes, I am worth the effort, is a victory I own and am proud of. What happened to me is what happened to me and I cannot change it, however I can rise above it using all the skills and tools I’ve gained over the years to chart a new path forward. Complexity be dammed. I want to look back one day and not ask what happened to me, but instead say, look what I made happen!